Every once in a while creation gets quirky whilst molding a woman.
With a steady hand it forms her curves, sprays on the shade of tan that communicates directly to your libido, rips out a few dust-bunnies from grandma’s attic to make the eyes, and sets her hair on fire. Red, red fire.
Then parents call her something silly. Like Nelly.
One of these women came into my little circle of friends recently. And as if mocking creation’s understanding of my libido she had written a story on her body, via tattoos that lead your eyes from her shoulder, down her back and along her right leg.
As though they needed an excuse.
Now I’m not good with affection. Somewhere in the mess of neurological pathways I call Karl (when I’m referring to myself in the psychotic third-person) I’ve managed to equate affection with violence; in other words, if I enjoy someone’s company, I hurt them.
‘Snake Bite!’
I heard it too late. Two fingers dug into my chest and attempted to dislodge a rib. His Kung Fu was strong.
‘Revolving Tiger Claw!’ I screamed, as I twisted at the waist and rotated a claw-fist into my friend’s kidney. Nelly studied us for a while, concerned no doubt, trying to assess whether we were drunk, stupid or worse: serious.
‘It’s an old game,’ I explained. ‘Someone came up with it in school and we haven’t been able to shake it off.’
‘Interesting. Any rules?’
‘Well, nothing’s set in stone really, you pick and animal, and just sort of sneak up on someone who deserves it and go SNAKE BITE!’ She was smart, but her Kung Fu was weak. My forked fist made contact with her abdomen, and she buckled over and choked back a laugh while also whimpering in pain.
I love girls who can take a joke (funny how that rhymes with choke) and don’t need handling with care. Moments later we were on the street again, searching for the next pub.
‘So what do you call this place,’ she asked.
‘The whole street is called Gemmayzeh. That building there is EDL, they essentially charge us for electricity they don’t give, and steal fuel they never receive. It’s an exciting new form of governance.’
‘And what’s that shiny red thing down on the highway?’ she points.
I turn to look, and half way through the movement my mind takes a step back and looks me in the third eye: ‘You idiot,’ it doesn’t say.
‘REVOLVING BEAR PAW!’ she screams, and punches me in the belly as hard as femininely possible.
I buckle, turn to look at her and feel my brain duck.
‘DRUNK CRANE ATTACK!’ she continues, and uppercuts my teeth into my tongue. She regrets it instantly.
‘You’ve managed to touch me in a new and interesting way. I suggest we get drunk then have children.’
‘Fair enough, but I’m leaving in a week; we’ll have to adopt.’
Wit and blood; I love it. Crap, wait, does that make me goth?
I'm Karl, and I'm an acquired taste.
I've been an editor for 4 years, a writer for 5 more, and a geek ever since I wrote Pong on my first Atari. I'm married to the perfect woman and we live in the desert. 
Amazing Karl!
“I’ve managed to equate affection with violence; in other words, if I like someone, I hurt them”
YUP we’ve all been there before…
No that doesn’t make you goth, i guess the girl is too good to be true
and now i’m confused…is this for real?
Karl are u in love???
Yes Karl, we all miss her too
hehe.
I had the chance to meet 2 women of the same “caliber” the same night.
The first one is the one you’re talking about and is back to the states (unfortunately for all of us) and the other one…well, I’ve been deprived of meeting her for the past 2 years (I still don’t understand how she’s been in our circle of friends and I never met her). One month of waiting now for me, until she comes back from the land of Caribous.
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
REVOLVING SHADOW FANTOM TIGER CLAW!!! (With keys)
It is true that girls with a high standing/balanced aesthetics and spirit are hard to find. But it doesn’t mean that they are negligible in numbers. In French they says. one lost, ten found. and if you stick to those words, you’ll manage to keep a high spirit at times like these.
plus, you never know when you might meet a chick that could capoeira your ass
Darkya arm-grab-parry/abdominal-kick combo/counter!!!
hehe that was funny man . . .
how are things going for you besides your kung fu episodes?
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude i am so honored haha. Wou waow kissikhta u write like a god or something. I am sending her the link to ur blog.
Gabula tenez coup de la bite counter!
LOL!
.
Girls are like that amazing!
And no it doesn’t make you goth, it has nothing to do with it.
You are just a bit in to S&M. Welcome to the club.
Tattoos are a good indication that pain is fun for her
@IJ
Wish them luck.
In love? Not at all. I wouldn’t mind punching her in the stomach when she comes back though. Someone else in our beloved family may be in love with her though
@Antox
The ‘other’ one is a gem as well. Take care of her though, she’s been through a lot.
@darkya
For the nth time, it was nothing, she was leaving.. but yeah she was something else.
@O’Kawa
How’s biladil gharb?
Everything’s great
@Wissam
S&M I’m OK with; it’s honest and straightforward, like paying a currency to a willing receiver. Goth is more, well, like paying in goat’s blood at the local supermarket.
@gabula
Inta aslan ktir hot bebe. Et votre bite est très grande.
“I turn to look and half way through the movement my logic center takes a step back and looks me in the eye. ‘You idiot,’ it doesn’t say.”
classic
good stuff man, good stuff..i’m signing in a couple of times a day to reread all your entries.
wish i could have met this person, salamati wa kouboulati to you all.
la7za shwey, abir? ants? huh?
Abir : I dont know what to say..
Karl: major tiger claw kick is fine
Abir: MAJOR TIGER CLAW KICK!
wicked wicked post, ana bhibbak kteer..
Miss you all too nayla! i just read what you wrote! ayreh bi hal fadayih! haha.. bas again, bhibbkon kilkon. Ok i go frolic with the Canada goose now.
loves xxx
@Abir
No sex in the comments area please. Also, your first born shall be named Karl, in glorious tribute to the blog where you first proclaimed your love.
If our group gets any more incestuous, the kids are going to have poor eyesight, digestive problems and learning disabilities…
And in response to Manson’s post… I don’t think we have been having trouble keeping “high” spirits lately.
@darkya
3an jad, like Gad said, who invented this stupid saying “one lost, ten found”. I never woke up one day after a break up and found 10 girls sitting next to my house waiting for me.
- “Who the hell are you girls??”
- “We’re the girls from the saying”. We’re waiting for you!
Riiiiight!
It would be great though…
Why is my avatar not showing??
bilad el gharb doing well
sick of the weather though
need some warmth
Karl, I’ll have to disagree with the others, I think this work is of lower standards than previous ones. Too much of a narrative without the reflexions that come to my mind after reading you, this time all I could was “So what?” Maybe it is because I can’t relate at all but I don’t think so for it is not the first time a subject with which I am not familiar is mentionned here. I am not talking about the matter but about the form, even though it is a short text, it seems too long. It seems it looses of its essence along the way.
@Antox
It’s when you find them not at your door but in your bed that you are glad to keep a spare mattress under your bed so that you can roll over to grab a book and then sleep in peace^^
@Mika-licka-high-mika-high-dee-hoe
Digestive problems? Not on my watch^^
@Agenor
Can’t win ‘em all baby. I reread it in an attempt to be objective but I can’t; I still like it quite a bit. Maybe I’ll get back to it in a couple of weeks with fresh eyes and see what you mean.
Plus, are you calling me loose?
@Antox
it works with me hehe
@Agenor
pffffffffffffffffff
Karl that was really cool!
i wish i went with you guys that night but i’m not sure i’d be able to handle all those snake bites BUT!!!! i know that she would defend me and kick your ass!!!!!
keep it up Karrrrl!!!
@Agenor
Min Agenor? And how to I bitch slap this person with my pimp hand?
@Mika-lika-high-mika-high-dee-ho
It’s Robin, and his concern with your digestive tract is unnerving. Shoof shoo beddak ta3mil.
@Karl
Remember, Robin is extremely ticklish.
Snake Bite and Co. is the ultimate solution.
dust bunnies in her eyes?
@wliknayla
Yeah, you know that dusty, distant look some people have? Dust bunnies.
Habibi ya Karl,
sounds like you did indeed meet the woman of your dreams! what a funny story. its cool when you meet someone that is not only beautiful, but down for our shenanigans. You did miss a night in my house in Dhour where GV and Nay Nay decided to play soul caliber in my garden. Nay Nay spun her deadly poi of death, GV was armed with her shawl of super pain! Manson and i sat back and marveled at how lucky we were to know such amazing women. sorry to hear she popped out of your life so quickly. maybe one day you will meet again. this tapestry of life is indeed weird.
FLYING FIST OF FANTASTIC FURY!
@Nash
She’s also a writer, and Sunday philosopher; I’ll find her yet.
Well not exactly, the women of my dreams is still out there somewhere, and she’s significantly larger than our kung fu heroine, in all the right ways
This little distant cousin of a very attractive man however, will, I predict, end up marrying Michael. The two seem to be ridiculously in sync, like Zoolander and midgets in sync.
Too bad I missed Nayla on fire :p