‘For thy sweet love remember’d such wealth brings, that then I scorn to change my state with kings.’
Sure. Come to China.
China has an epidemic of single women who don’t want the local life, or the local men. They’ve entirely done away with romance, and grown a set of practical testicles. They’re ready, they’re online, and they’re looking for foreigners.
‘I know what I have to offer, and I know I need more than what the average Chinese man can give me, so I put myself out there.’
Her name is Joy, and she’s the beautiful girl next door. The average Chinese girl finishes high school and starts husband-hunting, and that doesn’t surprise me; but someone with looks, smarts, a Master’s in accounting and a degree in English, should not have to look this hard, or online.
‘Intelligence is not exactly a desirable trait here; they want different things.’
Joy’s online profile doesn’t reflect her at all, nor does it mention her own expectations. She wants a foreigner with a solid career, and in return she offers care, housekeeping and eternal love, as commodities.
‘And you can just love someone?’ I asked. ‘Don’t you need to meet them? Know them better? Discover if you can live together?’
‘If he’s decent, we can live together. From my part I know exactly what a man needs, and I can keep him happy.’
Because we all need the same things, don’t we? Joy, and women like her, are trained in the art of satisfying an ego, and I don’t mean sexually. Well, not just sexually. They’re taught to know when we mean what we say, and when it’s only hormone-induced. They’re taught to understand our desires, expectations, and comfort zones. They know when we’re hungry, when we feel like a drink, when we should be left alone to sleep. They know us better than we do, and have it down to a science.
‘My mother took me aside at some point, and gave me the talk. We’d chat for hours, and at the beginning I really felt she was oversimplifying. But the more men I met the more I saw that everything she said was true. Even you, right now, we’re just a couple of friends having a coffee right? But I know that my slightly open blouse pleases you, I know that my smile makes you feel important. I can tell what aspects of your personality give you pride, and I know to comment positively on them.’
She was right too.
‘So it’s all fake?’
‘Not at all, when I see you happy around me I feel happy. Nothing fake about that, and nothing wrong either, right? You treat us like sex-dolls and housewives, we treat you like cavemen. Now, let me refill your whiskey for you.’
Written for Time Out Beirut
I'm Karl, and I'm an acquired taste.
I've been an editor for 4 years, a writer for 5 more, and a geek ever since I wrote Pong on my first Atari. I'm married to the perfect woman and we live in the desert. 
Hi Karl! There is a little typo here:
“…and the more men I met *then* more I saw that everything she said was true.”
Don’t you think that women in Lebanon are the same way, too? I think they are, they know exactly what men want, but many of them choose not to act this way, maybe because they don’t think men there deserve them.
Thank you kindly ma’am; corrected.
It’s different; they really have it down to a science here in China. Some of the things Joy’s been telling me keep me laughing for hours. ‘Never believe what men say before, during or after sex.’ Apparently, we make promises we have no intention on keeping during that time. ‘If your husband is angry, be there, but be quiet; he’ll need your contact but he’ll need to be alone.’ I’m trying to get her to write a rulebook